7 Things with a Softer First Touch than Jozy Altidore

Many people don’t know this, but in addition to his role as a medieval siege weapon, Jozy Altidore is actually a professional, international footballer. It has even been rumored that Altidore has not yet worked this out himself, however the facts do not lie: Jozy Altidore has played in 67 games for the USMNTurtles. Rumor has it that he is even paid a weekly wage by BPL team, Sunderland Black Cats United.

However, since retiring from his job as a heavy blunt object, Altidore has struggled in his new role of professional footballer. In particular he needs to work on his first touch, so we have compiled a list of seven things Jozy can use as inspiration for improvement in this area : Continue reading “7 Things with a Softer First Touch than Jozy Altidore” »

Top 10 Pictures of Arjen Robben Trying Desperately to Keep a Secret

Arjen Robben. Bundesliga champion. La Liga champion. EPL champion. Champions League champion. Devilish winger. Bag of tricks. Powerful left foot. Many words describe the brilliant Dutchman. But few know that his truly greatest asset is his ability to keep his mouth shut: yes, that’s right, Robben is a veritable Ft. Knox of gossip.

Here are pictures of him keeping secrets. Don’t let his giddy enthusiasm fool you. Those lips are locked. Continue reading “Top 10 Pictures of Arjen Robben Trying Desperately to Keep a Secret” »

Top Ten Sherlock Holmes Story Titles that Describe James Milner’s Member

Sir Arthur Conan O’Doyle. British. Boss. His character, Sherlock Holmes, has withstood the test of time and his writings ushered in a new genre of fiction that has transcended media: the crime and the detective. Still, O’Doyle passed away in 1930. However, despite writing and publishing and dying at least six decades before the birth of James Milner, we said an odd pattern in his story titles.

They all vaguely described a certain bit of James’ anatomy. Read and judge for yourself. Continue reading “Top Ten Sherlock Holmes Story Titles that Describe James Milner’s Member” »

Top 10 Pictures of James Milner Wearing Casual (and Quasi-Casual) Attire

We love watching our Premier League footballers kicking a ball on Saturday, but what are they like off the pitch? What do they wear when out of uniform? Luckily, we scoured the webs for a closer look at England future legend and heartthrob James Milner.

Check out his finest threads when off (and sometimes on) the field. Continue reading “Top 10 Pictures of James Milner Wearing Casual (and Quasi-Casual) Attire” »

Top 10 Pictures of Ashley Young Barely Surviving a Brutal Earthquake

Earthquakes. They are incredibly powerful and in many cases devastating. They tear apart streets, they knock down buildings, and, most impressive, they can on occasion cause Lionheart English international Ashley Young to fall to the ground.

Here are ten images of the devastating might of earthquakes as they toy with Ashley Young’s legs. WARNING – they are incredibly graphic. Continue reading “Top 10 Pictures of Ashley Young Barely Surviving a Brutal Earthquake” »

QUIZ – What Kind of Soulless, Bandwagoning European Soccer Fan Are You?

The bright lights at Old Trafford. The cramped, noisy box that is Stamford Bridge. The vibrating vibrancy of the Bernabeu. The vertigo-inducing steepness of the Camp Nou. You know nothing about any of these places. You’ve never been to them. The closest you’ve come was a week-long school trip in high school to Spain where the autobus had to stop every half hour because paella gave your classmates the shits.

Luckily, though, Maxi Rodriguez of the delightful Futbol Intellect has created a quiz to help you feel better about yourself by putting other similar, miserable souls down even a notch further. Due to WordPress plugin problems, you have to take this quiz by hand. Pull out a pen, a piece of paper, and tally your answers. You wont’ be too disappointed. Continue reading “QUIZ – What Kind of Soulless, Bandwagoning European Soccer Fan Are You?” »

Top Ten Reasons Soccer Hipsters Have Abandoned Borussia Dortmund

Ahh, the soccer hipster. Is there a more fickle sports fan? For years, they flocked to support Borussia Dortmund, the team that won the Bundesliga a few years, reached the Champions League final, and embraced their fedora-wearing ways.

But no more. The soccer hipsters have slowly trickled away from the Westfallenstadion. We were able to track a few down and ask why. Here are their reasons: Continue reading “Top Ten Reasons Soccer Hipsters Have Abandoned Borussia Dortmund” »

Top 20 Pictures of Selfish Daniel Sturridge Celebrating Immediately After Being Selfish

Selflessness. Civility. Respect for others. These are the foundations of any civilized society. Yet one player flaunts this code. He brazenly disregards societal norms. Instead of sharing the football, he shoots it. Instead of humbly apologizing to opponents for ruining their day and perhaps harming their net, he celebrates.

This monster, of course, is selfish Englishman Daniel Sturridge. Continue reading “Top 20 Pictures of Selfish Daniel Sturridge Celebrating Immediately After Being Selfish” »

SPONSORED: The Official 5 Leather Briefcases Used By FIFA For All “Business Matters”

International wire transfers. Aren’t they just so…cumbersome, what with the government monitoring? That’s how Jack Warner got popped by the UK press. But what’s a cool at to do? Paypal used to be decent but wimped out, Bitcoin is too unstable, so, alas, what’s the best way to transfer money? Cash in a briefcase. The tried-and-true classic. But not just any briefcase.

These special briefcases include engraved inspirational quotes. Continue reading “SPONSORED: The Official 5 Leather Briefcases Used By FIFA For All “Business Matters”” »