Song: “Philosophy” by Ben Folds Five

Image: Sky Sports

Song Credit: “The Conductor” by The Faint

Image Credit: IMGUR (via Reddit)

When ESPN debuted their new red-own-goal icon a few weeks back, it was one of those moments. Since then it has proliferated, appearing in both the Ireland European Cup qualifying game and the Brazil-Mexico friendly. But what does this little red soccer ball say about us?

Since the Roman empire, red has always been associated with Mars, the planet and God. That is to say, red can mean love and war, peace and hate. Red represents two sides of the same passionate emotional coin. Red provokes rage in bulls but also taints the blood that flows from our body. Red is a powerful color. Red is destruction, but destruction due to our own human frailty. Soeth is they Own-Goal Icon.

Not convinced? Well, let’s take a glance at some other places where we’ve seen this ESPN Own-Goal Icon or similar images before…

Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey
Did you find Hal from 2001 kinda creepy? Even before he killed a few of the astronauts and tried to lock out another? Why? Well, he definitely had a Microsoft Mr. Paperclip vibe about him. And you got the feeling that perfection could run into a perfect loop of a shit storm. Just as defenders fight to get a foot or head to every cross in the name of the defensive mission, Hal took any means necessary to advance his own shuttle. Yet perfection applied to an imperfect world is a recipe for self-destruction.

A brief transcript of the Ireland-Armenian game:

-Open the Armenian goal, Hal. OPEN THE GODDAMN ARMENIAN GOAL!

-I’m sorry, Robbie Keane. You got injured playing for the LA Galaxy. I’m afraid this mission is too important to….
Creepy Verizon Droid Bionic Ads
Nowadays, the young people like to trot about with super computers in their pocket. They play Angry Birds instead of paying attention to adults, but rest easy at night – the radiation will hopefully render their genders a mutilated mess by their mid-forties. Assuming the brain cancer doesn’t kill them.

What has led them to hold small beeping cancer boxes so closer to their ear? This.

Yes. I don’t get it either. This is the future, what the world will look like when our bodies have long been frozen next to Joe Dimaggio’s. The winking red eye seduces them, the promise of instant gratification too great. If David Luiz spent a bit less time texting, perhaps his vision would be clearer when trying to cut out crosses. We all see Death before he takes us; some just stare at him cross-eyed.

The Eye of Sauron

I’m not a big fan of Hobbits or three hour movies or trilogies when the second film just kinda repeats the first one. Yet, as painful as those films were, nothing quite burns the eye like watching 90 minutes of effort evaporate due to a defensive miscue. Was Sauron worse than Morgoth? Is an early own-goal worse than a late own-goal? These are the riddles that puzzle philosophers and ate away most of your youth spent sifting through used fantasy graphic novel bins and comicons.

Sauron’s eye was emblazoned on his warrior orc’s shields and helmets because his own sentry dared not utter his accursed name. Even to this day, Colombians tremble at the mere mention of the term autogol. Brutal images of US ’94 snap into mind. When Frodo saw the eye, it was a yellow slit and the pupil was a window into nothingness. Yet in soccer, the red eye of the Gamecast Icon is a window into eternal sporting damnation. Ye dare not stareth too long….

The Masque of the Red Death

In Edgar Allen Poe’s short story, the rich protect themselves as best they know how – cloistering themselves far away from the poor and hollowly paying lip service to the conventional god of the day. Yet, despite their efforts, one by one, the Red Death comes to them as a stranger and leaves them as a killer. Similarly, no matter how many times a team practices set pieces or defending crosses, the prospect of self-destruction lingers.

As you watch the game, probably from work, you flinch as you click re-fresh. You immerse yourself in the match to forget the toils of the day. Yet, deep down in your heart of hearts, you dread and fear and anticipate that little red ball appearing. Then, horror of horrors. The Gamecast play-by-play is a few minutes behind, but you already have seen the red writing on the wall. The dot of Mars sears your eyes and leaves a profound mark on all it touches.

Less they be damned….or own a smartphone.

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“Waiting for Superman” by the Flaming Lips

Digital Image Impression: Erik Ebeling. Erik offers great freelance work for small businesses at competitive rates.

And that’s not all.

On a related footy image smorgasbord note, Jason Davis at kckrs found some amazing pics from a Brazilian picture book on informal soccer fields.

The book, by Joachim Schmid, is available here. This gem was originally unearthed by the Wong Wong blog, which I’m sad to say for kickette fans is not a Gareth Bale-wet & white shorts- contest-tumblr. 

And as for the English Premier League? Gareth Bale. Garbage Pail. Gareth Pail? GARBAGE BALE. Because the two are so similar, enjoy our Garbage Pail kids themed tribute to rising star Gareth Bale…

One of the most popular Garbage Pail kids was “Adam Bomb”, depicted below.

When, exactly, did we realize that Gareth Bale could explode at any moment? In a game against Stoke, Aaron Lennon looped in an innocuous cross. The spectator expected a defensive header. Instead, the cross converted into a live grenade. Bale saturated his sweet left-foot with kerosene, lit the fuse, and opened fire on the far post upper corner with a bullet of a volley.

Another popular Garbage Pail kid was Babbling Brooke, depicted here eating while conversing on the phone.

Is Gareth’s rise to the top due to a change in diet? The managerial brilliance of Harry Redknapp? Is his agent ringing Real Madrid or the big four in England? For the mess this doll makes while eating, Gareth displays an exquisitely clean and precise strike of the ball. Against Arsenal, his near post, short side free kick goal was akin to a swing of Tiger Wood’s golf club, pre-debauchery.

To put it simply, Shaggy Aggie was disgusting. Plain disgusting.

As one batch of air under the pits were not bad enough, Shaggy brings two doses of wig replacements. Bale, who we assume has hair under his armpits, brought his filthy skills to fore in a pair of goals against Inter. While Shaggy refused to shave against the grain, both of B ale’s goals cut like a razor across the face of the net. The far post mach-3′s grazed the chinny chin chin of Julio Cesar, but his dejected look of disgust said it all. Filthy. Just filthy.

Jack Splat had trouble keeping his lunch down and lacked proper indoor manners, as you can see…

Gareth Bale, from his earliest days as a seventeen year old at Southhampton, never had any problems keeping his free kicks down. His first ever goal, against Derby, was an eruption that evaded the wall but stayed under the bar. And he followed that goal with an identical one versus Coventry City. Yes. You could actually feel the goalkeeper’s coach gag reflex on that one.

No rebellious adolescent trading card set could be complete without the pimple-faced character, in this case “Acne Amy.”

What will be the next stage in the growth of Gareth Bale’s career? Will he dot the European fields with goals for a bigger club? As his game matures, how far can his sweet left foot carry him? One thing’s for sure – we will see more and more of his “jump & twist” celebrations in the future. At least if the past is any indication….

Here’s a brief glimpse into the multi-million dollar Futfanatico super secret traffic stats from yesterday.

As you can clearly see from these stats, and stats are always right, Americans hate Landon Donovan. They detest him. Why? Well, in case you missed it, immediately after scoring the game winning goal he dove like an Italian. Americans absolutely detest diving. Granted, no penalty kick was awarded and it was celebratory, but still, Americans disdain such theatrics.

Watch it here for good measure.

Which brings me to another point – Americans hate sports confusion. We don’t like to mix and mash our sports. Hence, most major professional sports leagues run in different seasons: American football for fall, baseball for summer, and basketball for spring. Donovan’s dive resembled a “slide into home plate”, a common play in baseball. We hate this.

Thus, Americans hate Donovan. But they are conscientious of him, just as NBA fans all hated Dennis Rodman and 90% of America hates the New York Yankees. This is a major step forward. We can only hope they hate him even more after this Saturday….