Should a champion be adorned in lockets of gold, silver, and diamonds? Should the robe be a royal purple? No. To win the title, you must expose your soul, demonstrate your commitment, and bare your essence. But not your underwear. Let it be decreed – the best dressed designated players shall reside in the West! Continue reading “MLS Manifesto – The Emperor´s Underwear” »

I know that I have not been as faithful to the Wizards and I should be. After the coaching change, winless streak, and my move to Central America, I have not been the best fan. But a recent visit to Thad Bell´s insightful BackPost Wizards blog recharged the creative juices.

Yes, MLS is a bit more physical and foul-riddled than your cavior & champagne European ligas, but that´s the point. MLS Manifesto Destino Rule - Your Bandge is your Badge, Wear it Proudly! Continue reading “MLS Manifesto – Your Bandage is your Badge!” »

I have continued my barnstorming tour of MLS stadia this summer, this time visiting Community American Ballpark in Kansas City last night. While the Wizards struggled to break down an organized Real Salt Lake, and ended up losing 1-0, once again my thoughts drifted to certain basic principles for MLS. Several, in fact. And all of them have to deal with the stadium experience.

MLS Commandment #12 – Let Thy Freedom Ring…

I was disturbed at the hatred of freedom. Obligatory sitting? See it to believe it.

I can understand the need for security and control – but as Thomas Jefferson once said, “freedom is also pretty cool, security problems aside.” Also, how can fans effectively express themselves? Plus, when sitting down, you cannot get the proper leverage to shimmy a rival fan with a carefully concealed butterfly knife. You won’t even break skin!

Luckily, other sections of the stadium had more lenient rules:

While the standing is categorically prohibited, in this case due to “viewing concerns,” there are rightful exceptions for the scoring of a goal and the “shirt-shot.” For those UK fans unaccustomed to such in-game promotions, the shirt-shot is when a hitman uses the team jerseys as a silencer when killing an unlucky, randomly-selected rival fan. He then uses that jersey to clean up the blood.

Violating the Spirit of Rules #3 & #5 – Defy thy Colonial Master

Confusion has reigned when interpreting MLS Manifesto commandments #3 and #5, concerning the scarf and English. Basically, we must battle the insidious colonial masters at every turn. Sadly, at Community America Ballpark, the despondent tyrants have established a culinary foothold.

Fish do not go with chips. In fact, fish should only be eaten by coastal-dwellers unable to obtain the necessary beef for a Big Mac. And chips? These were not chips. The gastronomical monstrosity more closely resembled the freedom (not french) fry.

Luckily, though, I saw signs of resistance.

A local band of wheat beer -brewing guerilla mercenaries had established a fort nearby. We can only pray for a successful resistance, although no word yet on if they have been able to securing war financing from the French.

MLS Commanment #13 – Baseball is Not Football is Not Soccer

I understand that Community American ballpark is a stopgap measure – a proper soccer stadium is in the works, and Community America is much better than the cavernous catacombs of Arrowhead. Of course, when choosing between a bank-corporate sponsor and a name offensive to Native Americans, one is in a lose-lose situation.

But some images shocked the conscience. Psst, the soccer jersey did not hid the pitcher’s mound. Not even a little bit.

Also, the Wizards lost 1-0, despite having a man advantage for the entire second half. The Wizards did create a handful of half-chances, but Claudio Lopez’s corner kicks lacked the bite and height to trouble Real Salt Lake.

The final? Well, I left after the seventh inning stretch, but at the time it was a close 1 run affair, with two outs and a full count.

It has been brought to my attention that other blogs have goals and concepts, whereas Futfanatico alternates between tweeting about tweeting, recaps of MLS games, and fawning over celebrity culture. What is our ethos?

The lack of a coherent plan for the blog does not keep me up late at night. But what does bug me is the lack of ground rules for the rising MLS ultras movement. Well, perhaps burgeoning is a better word, because with this new framework for morality I’m sure its going to explode. And now the MLS commandments. As Moses said unto his people – “Thou shall not do these 10 things or else.” Or else.

1) Thou Shall Not Spill. When dancing and bouncing with the Barra Brava at RFK or the Cauldron in Kansas City, one common theme emerged: the spilling of beer on nearby families and soccer moms. This is unacceptable. After the war on Iraq, Kosovo, and Afghanistan, the US must make a stand against collateral damage. It is a question of principle. If the Brits see such reckless behavior, they will be less likely to join us on our oil hunting expeditions.

In that regard, the ultra must also take care when approaching rival fans in parking lots. Please, when swinging your shimmy, avoid contact with wrists, throats, and other arteries, so as to avoid any major red stains that could ruin a white Ralph Lauren skirt or stain an expensive tennis bracelet.

2) Thou Shall Follow Esoteric Dictators. In Eastern Europe and even Italy, the scourge of fascism has reared its ugly head in the stands. This is not acceptable in MLS. America is a bastion of freedom, and ultras should be creative when expressing their First Amendment right to side with ineffective rulers. Stalin? That is so 1941. How about Juan Manuel de Rosas, who stole cattle from his own mom? That was just a suggestion, a subpart of the commandment.

3) Thou Shall Not Wear a Scarf. Is your neck cold? No, really. Because scarves itch and irritate the neck. So unless you live in New England and its a September playoff game, the scarve must go. It is a relic from our colonial past when the Brits taxed us without representation. Why do you wear their shackles, ultras, why?

4) Thou Shall Speak Spanglish. Neither English nor Spanish dominates the MLS, rather a delicious smorgasborg of both. Beer shall not be served, but rather cerveza. It is not a soccer ball, but rather a pelota. And of course, when your team scores, you do not shout goal, but rather scream gooooooooooooooool. And learn to roll your r’s. Rrrright now.

5) Thou Shall Not Speak English. Okay, to avoid any confusion, I am referring to the words “pace, pitch, stuck-in, and wanker.” Unless you are an ex-pat lost in America, no excuses. Pace is a university, pitch only occurs in baseball or TV show executive meetings, and stuck-in refers to quicksand. Only the last word is allowed, and only in reference to an American that uses one of the first three.

6) Thou Shall Boo Blanco. Talented. Successful. Affluent. What’s not to dislike about Blanco, whom you detest. Granted, he drops to the field like a house of cards, but, on the other hand, he does get fouled just a wee bit. But don’t let that dissuade you – hiss, shout, whistle.

7) Thou Shall Not Boo Beckham. David Beckham is committed to being an ambassador for MLS, that is why he is travelingto Italy to spread the MLS gospel. Right? Also Beckham is really sensitive. You don’t boo the clown at the circus, you just laugh and/or throw tomatoes.

8 ) Thou Shall Be Offended. When posting on Bigsoccer, everytime an individual even insinuates that MLS is even slightly inferior to a European league, you must immediately respond with a ten thousand word tirade. And the executive summary must read “You…hurt…my…feelings!”

9) Thou Shall Love Thy Lalas. Come on. No, seriously, come on. The guy has plenty of vices, but he loves American soccer. You love American soccer. Surely you can see eye-to-eye? Granted, he shoots from the hip. But he was right that Beckham did not enter into semi-retirement when coming to the league. Just not as he envisioned.

10) Thou Shall Not Love Stephen Cohen. If Alexi embellishes to stir the pot, at least he genuinely believes in what he says and has a goofy optimism to his remarks. Cohen? Disgusting. Reprehensible. Stirring the pot to stir the pot, with no regard for the facts and the sensitivity of a situation, is not acceptable.

And Scousers, respect breeds respect. A song making light of Munich? Sadly, for every respectful and good natured forum like this, the echoes of that awful song reverberate all too often.