Posted on March 26, 2012 by Dr. Moschlavious Gumperteer
One of the keys to writing successfully has nothing to do with prose, headlines, fact checking, or opinion. Rather, you must win the battle before the battle starts. You must make a very important decision: who are your readers?
This lecture is in English. Yes, Google Translator could butcher it for other folks, but my intended readers speak and write English. Why? Money. Money. Money. The English, Aussies, Canadians, and Americans have, shall we say, le Money. Why does that matter? Sponsors. Sponsors want to run ads for sites that feature articles written by and for people with money. However, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
The language decision also reflects proficiency: you should probably write in your native language(s). However, even within languages, you must still visualize and select a privileged group of persons to whom you direct your prose. And that is why you should always strive to write for the Augusta National crowd.
For folks not in the know, Augusta National is an exclusive country club in the South of the United States that does not admit women (and has few minority members). Why? Probably a dash of elitism, racism, and sexism. However, bottom line, these white dudes are loaded. These are the folks that sponsors want to reach. These WASPs are so rich they pay assistants to jump in their pool of golden coins and look down on Scrooge McDuck. They are your dream audience. Thus, whenever you write, you must ask yourself – what would a rich and privileged white man think? Would he agree with me? Would he like my conclusions? How can I attract and not scare off his eyeballs?
On the other hand, you can’t be too obvious. Twitter and the internet have unfortunately allowed for minorities and women to consort like never before – they have formed a powerful alliance that can get your writing written off. Granted, sometimes it’s good to get some “negative hits”, but that’s covered in a later lecture on “Liverpool FC _____ “. For now, the trick to catering to the Augusta National crowd without getting boycotted is subtlety.
Here’s a prime example and something you should copy whenever possible: the “crazy ex-girlfriend analogy.” Basically, when a star player is volatile, mercurial, and unstable, you should write an article comparing him to some girl you briefly dated or messed around with in college that was “unstable” but “very attractive.” This tactic is beautiful because you somewhat subtly treat and depict women a chattel – the “college ex-girlfriend” is a piece of meat to be consumed and spit out, not an actual human being for whom you should have sought psychiatric help or an intervention.
Also, you get to throw jabs at the people in this world who are legitimately depressed, bipolar, or suffer from a mental ailment. If Augusta National is you ally, then the mentally ill are the perfect enemy. They are as politically powerless as they come, they only occasionally read sports writing, and the majority probably have very little money. Ideally, the player in question will have an undiagnosed mental ailment and you can kill two birds with one stone.
Lastly, and also importantly, the “crazy ex” analogy is heterosexist. Think about it for a second. Reverse the analogy. If your significant other started to act weird, would you compare her to Randy Moss? When you call friends to complain about your significant other, do you say “My wife was such a Terrell Owens today”? No. Why not? Because you indirectly would be accepting and alluding to a same-sex relationship. Obviously, that doesn’t fly with the Augusta National crowd. Therefore, try to keep it sexist, heterosexist, and prey on the mentally ill whenever possible.
Before you write, ask yourself two questions: 1) Who do I want to read this? 2) Do they have money? It’s that simple?!